Get a First Look at My New Book
October 1, 2009

Today's article witll introduce you to my new book, When Good Men Get Angry ...

He who is slow to anger has great understanding. Proverbs 14:29 NASB

My cell phone vibrated. I flipped it open, placed it to my ear, and said hello.

"Bill, it's Kevin. You won't believe what I've done. I need to come over ... like now!"

"What's so urgent?"

"I'll be there in five minutes," he said. The phone went dead.

I've met few men with more fascinating life stories than Kevin's. He grew up in Seattle and ran away from home when he was fifteen. While sitting in a diner in Lake Union, the shipbuilding area of Seattle, he met the captain of an Alaskan fishing boat. When the captain realized Kevin had no intention of returning home, he invited him to join his crew. Without a moment's hesitation Kevin moved to the village of Oak Harbor on Kodiak Island--250 miles southwest of Anchorage. During the next two summers he worked on fishing boats; he attended school the rest of the time. After graduating from high school, he joined the Marines.

While Kevin looked like Robert De Niro, unlike the actor he didn't have to pretend to be tough. He had the size, speed, and meanness to do serious damage to anyone crazy enough to take him on. And whether it was because he started trouble or attracted it, Kevin got in a lot of fights.

And then his life changed. During the end of his military service a friend told him about Christ, and he became a devoted follower. When he was discharged from the Marines, he started his own business in Portland, Oregon.

As I pondered Kevin's story, I figured he was about to tell me another outlandish tale. The doorbell rang. I opened it, and Kevin stepped in-not waiting for an invitation.

"What's so urgent that it couldn't wait?" I asked.

"I just got in a fight," he said as we entered my office. "I could have gotten in serious trouble."

"What happened?"

"I was driving my pickup south on 205 when three guys in a souped-up black Trans Am sped past me. The driver tossed a Coke can out his window, hitting my windshield and splattering it with Coke. He and his friends looked at me and laughed. I laughed too and acted like it was a big joke. I slowly eased past them and pulled into their lane. When they were right behind me, I slammed on my brakes.

"The guy almost rear-ended me. If they had just figured we were even it would have ended there, but they signaled me to pull over. I followed them onto the shoulder of the road. I guess they thought they were tough guys. The driver jumped out of the car, pumped up his chest, stomped over to me, and took a swing with his right hand. But I blocked his punch and hit him with three quick jabs that bloodied his nose. When his friends realized someone would get hurt--and it might be them and their friend-they broke it up."

I stared at Kevin, dumbfounded. "Kevin, you're thirtyfive years old. You've got a wife and two kids. What were you thinking?"

"I guess I wasn't thinking," he said.

"Do you feel better now that you've punished the guy?"

"No. I feel terrible. I could have hurt someone and ended up in jail. Besides, I've got that 'I Love Jesus' bumper sticker on my back fender, and the guy in the Trans Am almost wiped it off. I wasn't the best example."

For years Kevin had bridled his anger and avoided such idiotic conflicts. And then a single event triggered the beast within. He didn't rein it in until it was almost too late.

Kevin's story illustrates the kind of foolish and harmful decisions some men can make when angry. Of course, most guys don't resort to physical violence when they're mad. More men use sarcasm, the withdrawal of affection, or verbal debates to express their anger. Amazingly, a small percentage of men deny they ever get annoyed or angry. I suspect that a handful of men call anger another name, like frustration or excitement. Or it may be they view anger as such a terrible evil that they refuse to admit it's an emotion they experience.

Regardless of how often you get angry or how you express it, I've written this book to provide you with both the insight and the biblical strategy you need to process and express your anger in a healthy way. When I wrote this book I didn't have in mind men like Bruce Banner, who morphs into the Incredible Hulk when he gets angry. Instead, it's written for ordinary men who occasionally hurt people when they lose their cool. It's for men who want to manage their anger in a godly way.

3 percent of surveyed men said they never get annoyed by what other people say or do.

80 percent say they get annoyed a few times a day.

15 percent say they get annoyed many times a day.

One percent say they're annoyed all the time.

This book has two parts. In the first, I'll take you inside anger so you can discover some foundational truths: what it is, where it comes from, how Jesus expressed anger, and why I'm confident the new and good man in you can learn to control it.

The second part of the book deals with the six issues I think are crucial to understanding, processing, and expressing your anger in a godly way. The six issues are:
Identity
Respect
Control
Pride
Forgiveness
Blessing

Each of these issues is fleshed out with stories of men whohave successfully battled their anger. All of the stories are based on actual events, although I've changed some details and added fictional material to disguise the men's identities. Also, I've placed each situation within the context of counseling sessions as a way to better illustrate how anger is often exhibited and rationalized, as well as how it can be addressed and effectively managed.

After I had written the book I realized, with advice from the editorial team at Tyndale and some women who had read the manuscript, that a chapter was needed to help women encourage their husbands or boyfriends as these men learn to process and express their anger in a godly way. I hope your wife or girlfriend will read the entire book so she'll better understand you. But the final chapter is written specifically with her in mind.

Throughout the introduction and chapters 1 through 8, you'll find italicized statistical information that I derived from surveys I e-mailed to almost five thousand men. These men receive my weekly e-mail and live across the United States. I surveyed them to determine what makes men angry and how they respond when angry. I have included their responses in the book because I think they will provide you with a gauge to see how you compare with other men.

The response to the different surveys was varied, but the sampling was substantial. And while the surveys are not scientific, I think they provide a reliable reading of the men who took them. The questions were developed with the assistance of a licensed psychologist, and the data was analyzed by James C. Hassinger, an operations research and systems analyst in Saint Charles, Missouri.

The data for the statistics in chapter 9, the one written for women, was derived from almost three hundred women who responded to a survey sent to over 3,700 households via the Internet.

In order to help you think through the issues that surface in each chapter or talk about them with other men who are reading the book, I've provided discussion questions at the end of each chapter. You'll also find a summary of each chapter under the heading "Truths to Live By." Because I think Scripture meditation is crucial to internalizing what you'll learn, I've provided you with a few key verses under the heading "Strengthen the Good Man."

As I wrote this book I thought repeatedly about the words of Solomon in Proverbs 16:32: He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. (NASB)

I pray as you read this book God will make you: slow to anger; better than the mighty; ruler of your spirit; better than those who capture a city.

I'm convinced my prayer will be answered because the four statements above describe the new and true you-who you are in Christ. The rest of the book will help you understand this new identity and discover how good men process and express their anger.