Mating Habits of Addicted Men
July 2, 2009

Here we go again...an openly devoted family man has admitted he had an affair with an Argentinean woman. But there's more. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford also said he had "crossed lines," but never had sex with a handful of other women. It doesn't seem that long ago that I appeared on the O'Reilly Factor to talk about why President Clinton had risked everything for a fling with Monica Lewinsky.

Of course, while the stories of men in high places make the front page, there are stories on the back pages about unknown men. But the truth is most stories of sexual infidelity never make the news and are only know by a few. They're stories about men who break their marriages and families but not the law. The fact is, every man is vulnerable to sexual sins.

How is it that sane men, often good men, make such seemingly crazy decisions. Answering that question involves realizing there are two types of compulsive and addictive behaviors. First, there are substance addictions. These occur when men ingest or inject something like alcohol or drugs that produces a mood swing. After repeated use a man discovers he can't say no any longer. But even worse, it takes more and more of the substance to create the mood swing.

The second kind of addictions or compulsions are called process addiction. They occur when a man enters a process that releases adrenaline, endorphins, and dopamine into his circulatory system. When dumped all at once into the body these chemicals create a powerful and exhilarating rush. Unfortunately, triggering that rush demands increasingly risky behavior. That's why gambling addicts who start out placing a $20 bet in a poker game end up mortgaging their homes to get the money for a bet on their favorite team or horse or fighter.

Like gambling, a sexual sin can morph into an addiction that demands increasingly explicit and risky behavior. That's why men move from images of girls in bikinis to nude girls to video clips.

For guys who prefer flesh-and-blood women to two-dimensional images, the excitement of flirting with someone at work progresses to a private lunch and then to a passing touch on the arm and then to a secret kiss. The initial experience with porn or a person produces a feeling that I call the "illusion of young love." If you remember the feelings you had the first time you fell in love, then you may understand why a man will risk so much to recreate them. He'll literally take everything he values in life, puts it on the table, and roll the dice. Think about it: What could be riskier for a sitting president than having sex with an intern in the White House? Or, what could be riskier for a state governor than flying to South America to meet his "soul mate?" Men will do just about anything to recreate the thrill of young love.

I'm convinced I'm one choice away from the first choice in a series of choices that will lead to my downfall. And so are you. So how can we keep from making that first bad choice? Or, if we've already made it and are several choices down the road, what can we do to keep it from going further?

Okay, I'm not going to pretend that I can say in a few lines what took me a book to say in When Good Men are Tempted. But the truth is if we'll just do a couple of things, it will make a huge difference.

First, stay connected with God. Make time with him a daily priority.

Second, get rid of every trigger in your life. If you're on the Internet-download Covenant Eyes and find a friend who will serve as your accountability partner. If you've got a problem with TV then either get rid of the cable or have your wife enter the parental guard code. If you're married and flirting with another woman then tell your pastor or a trustworthy friend and determine, by God's grace, to be friendly without flirting.

Third, connect with a band of brothers.

Fourth, if your life is out of control then shoot me an email and I'll help you get connected with help.

And above all else remember the words of the Apostle Paul: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). God is at work in your life...and he will finish that work.