Abandon the Old and Grab the New
February 12, 2009

As I've coached leaders and families in the management of conflict, I've discovered most of them tend to use the conflict resolution skills they learned growing up. Unfortunately, those skills often reflect a dysfunctional family of origin.

For instance, both my parents were alcoholics who engaged in no-holds-barred arguments. What seems odd, as I look back, is that the day after one of those fights my parents acted as though nothing had happened. In that context I had to be careful what I said because the slightest misspoken word could trigger an argument.

Growing up I learned two lessons from my family--one about avoiding conflicts, and the other about winning them. I learned to avoid conflicts by trying to say whatever I thought the listener wanted to hear--truth wasn't as important as peace. Second, if an argument erupted, I knew how to find someone's vulnerable place and throw a verbal blow where it would do the most emotional damage.

As I matured and entered into adult relationships it didn't take long for me to discover my conflict resolution skills were ineffective. While I had a well-honed ability to blow people out of the water with a verbal attack or pacify them with half-truths, whatever peace I brought was short lived.

I mention this because, while your family of origin may not have been that dysfunctional (of course, I realize it could have been worse), chances are the methods of conflict resolution you learned growing up weren't much better. And now when you find yourself, or those on your team, entering into a conflict you tend to revert back to what you learned growing up.

Abandon Ineffective Methods

Can you remember telling someone, "You make me mad!"? If so, it means you're blaming them for your reaction and may be starting to utilize the old ineffective methods of conflict resolution you learned growing up--methods that allowed you to act destructively without assuming responsibility for your actions. Methods that allowed you to tell yourself, Since he made me mad, he's to blame for my actions.

While this approach may have brought a sort of balance to your family of origin, it doesn't usually work too well in other contexts. Consequently, you may begin to think and act in ways that bring as much peace as a lit match placed on the fuse of a firecracker. As things disintegrate you sense you're losing control of your reactions and the situation.

The problem is intensified by the fact that if you're a leader you may hold most of the chips. You can express your frustration inappropriately and what can anybody do? If an angry basketball coach kicks a chair across the court what can a player do? When the CEO of a company verbally blasts a Jr. officer the CEO knows he's beyond his subordinates reach.

While you may not act in those specific ways, I suspect you do occasionally use your influence destructively during a conflict. If you don't always manage yourself during a conflict it makes sense your confidence level would be low when it comes to refereeing someone else's fight.

When we do something often enough it forms a grove with no visible way out. We call that condition a rut. Getting out of this rut demands recognizing conflict is inevitable and knowing you have the ability to control how you respond to it. As you control your response to conflict you will then be able to coach others through the situation in a constructive way. Since that's the case, let's draw on the wisdom of Jesus to discover how you can more effectively manage yourself during a conflict.

Be Controlled by God--Not Other People

One of Jesus' more controversial and misunderstood teachings centered on the subject of forgiveness. In the Old Testament the Hebrew people were commanded to seek equal recompense for a wrong suffered. They were told to take "Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth" (Matthew 5:38; Ex. 21:24; Lev. 24:20; Deut. 19:21). At first glance such a law seems harsh, but it was actually introduced by God to limit retribution. Prior to its institution if someone lost an eye they might feel justified in killing the man who maimed them.

While that law had stood for centuries, Jesus didn't hesitate to toss it aside like a worn-out tool, and replace it with a better one. He told his followers, "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" (Matthew 5:39). I'm of the opinion Jesus wasn't commanding us to stand still while an opponent beats us to death. Rather, I think he was telling us to never allow someone else's wrath to control our response. Never retaliate in kind. Instead, respond with generosity. Jesus consistently taught that in God's kingdom the citizens are to be controlled by the heart and mind of the King, not the wrath of an enemy.

No matter how you interpret Jesus' words, they're hard to practice. I don't know how I'd respond if someone slapped me on the cheek. I do know I have a hard time demonstrating patience when a wild-eyed driver cuts me off while I'm cruising down the freeway (when I cut someone off I'm not wild-eyed--I just didn't see them). If patience is hard to practice under that situation I suspect it would be even harder if someone slapped me across the cheek.

What's behind generosity?

Because Jesus knew his words were hard he went on to explain how they could be practiced. He said, "Love your enemies" (Matthew 5:43). Behind generosity is love. That's a profound thought, not only because of what it says, but also because of what it doesn't say. If love is behind generosity, then what's behind retaliation? Could it be greed? Or, hatred? If so, then the words of Jesus have ripped the mask off our pursuit of retaliation and exposed a hate filled monster lurking in our soul.

Again, I find the words of Jesus troubling because I'd rather not see retaliation in such a bad light. It's a sin I've always been able to justify by telling myself, I only tailgated that guy because he cut me off back there. Or, of course I sounded the horn for ten seconds without interruption--he cut me off and needed to be disciplined (I use that illustration because I suspect you've done the same thing and I'm too embarrassed to mention some nastier stuff I've done).

As usual, Jesus wanted to take us a step deeper. That's why he said if we want to be like our Father in heaven we will love our enemies (Matthew 5:45). The progression of Jesus' logic is profound. With that last thought he said behind generosity is love and behind love is God. That means if God is controlling our lives the following people are not:

Those who slander us.
Those who persecute us.
Those who argue with us.
Those who verbally attack us.
Those who threaten to take away all we cherish.

Every time we respond to someone with a retaliatory spirit we've become like a fish on a hook and our opponent is holding the line. Citizens of God's kingdom aren't to allow others to control them. Instead, we are to respond to people as God would. And Jesus said, "He causes the sun to rise on the evil and good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous" (Matthew 5:45).

God extends kindness to those who oppose him because he loves them. That's exactly what you and I must do. We must remain consciously connected to God so when we enter a conflict we can respond with a generosity that's motivated by love.