Manage Conflict
March 29, 2004
Conflict is as unavoidable as traffic in Los
Angeles. If you've got two people on a team, or in a family, who
never argue, one of them isn't needed. Jesus, the greatest
leader of all time, experienced conflict among his disciples,
between the disciples, and himself, and between the religious
leaders and political leaders and himself. As long as you're
engaged in relationships there will be conflict. If you refuse
to see conflict as an inevitable part of life, you are likely to
view it as an unnecessary interruption of the flow--and you may
respond to conflict with frustration, anger and intolerance.
Notice I said, 'you may respond to conflict.' I
didn't say that 'conflict will make you respond.' The difference
is critical, because in the one case you determine your response
to a given situation and in the other you become a victim of
your circumstances. The reality is this: Nobody has the power to
make you angry or frustrated. You alone control your response;
other people don't.
I hammered this truth home with my children so
effectively that one of them threw it back at me in the heat of
an argument. As we verbally sparred over something important
(like whose turn it is to mow the lawn, or who brought the car
home with an empty gas tank), I could see I wasn't penetrating
his defenses. In frustration, I said in a loud and stern voice
(especially stern), 'Ryan, you're making me mad.'
'That's impossible!' he retorted. 'I can't make
you mad--you're responsible for your own feelings.'
The moment the words left his mouth silence filled
the room. We stared at each other. Father and
son--eye-to-eye--toe-to-toe--one-on-one.
I tried not to laugh. I bit my lower lip. No help
there. I squinted--nada. I locked my jaw. Nope. Right in the
middle of an argument with my son, I laughed out loud. As I
laughed, I realized Ryan had learned an important lesson (okay,
maybe he hadn't completely learned it, but at least he had heard
it enough times he could repeat it at the appropriate moment).
While you can't completely avoid conflict, you can
manage it. The key to managing conflict is to manage yourself.
When you feel your emotional temperature rising, don't say,
'He/she makes me so mad!' Or, 'You frustrate me.' Instead, take
responsibility for your feelings. Choose to turn to Jesus and
say, 'Lord, enable me to respond as you did. Give me the grace I
need to bridle my emotions so I can speak words that help.' The
better you manage yourself during conflict, the better you'll be
able to manage the conflict.
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