Keys to Manage
Conflict
August 2, 2004
Conflict is unavoidable. If you’ve got two people
on a team and they never argue then one of them isn’t needed.
Jesus, the greatest leader of all time, faced conflict among his
disciples, between the disciples and himself, and between the
religious and political leaders and himself. As long as your
team is on the move there will be conflict. Since that’s the
case you would be wise to view conflict as an inevitable part of
life. Otherwise, you’ll view it as an unnecessary interruption
of the flow and you may respond to conflict with frustration,
anger, and intolerance.
Notice I said, “You’ll respond to conflict.” I did
not say, “Conflict will make you respond.” The difference
between those two statements is crucial because one says you
determine your response to a given situation and the other
identifies you as a victim of your circumstances. Nobody else
has the power to make you angry or frustrated. You control your
response. They don’t.
I hammered this truth home with my children so
well that one of them threw it back at me in the heat of an
argument. As we verbally sparred over something important (like
his responsibility to mow the grass or fill the car with gas
after using it) I could see I wasn’t penetrating his defenses.
In frustration, I said in a loud and stern voice, “Ryan, you’re
really making me mad!”
“That’s impossible!” he retorted. “I can’t make
you mad—you’re responsible for your feelings.”
I tried not to laugh, but couldn’t help it. Right
there in the middle of an argument with my son, I laughed out
loud. He had learned an important lesson (Okay, he probably
hadn’t learned the lesson. But at least he had heard it enough
times he could repeat it at an appropriate moment.) that every
leader needs to master if they’re going to effectively manage
conflict. Namely, conflict is unavoidable and I determine how I
will respond when it hits.
So while we can’t avoid conflicts altogether, we
can manage them. How? Let me make a couple of suggestions.
First, seek to understand and then to be
understood. Listen to the other person and make sure you
understand their point of view before sharing your own.
Second, focus on issues not personalities.
Third, instead of assigning blame, try to
creatively figure out a way the situation that created the
problem could be avoided in the future.
Fourth, own whatever part you have in creating the
problem.
Fifth, as you talk with the person involved,
continually ask God to give you wisdom.
While these five steps won’t eliminate conflict, they will help
you manage it so that something good will emerge when it’s
resolved.
|
